How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
