Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
