Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
