I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
