I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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