I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
