my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
