I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I came so hard my ears popped.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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