I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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