I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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