Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize