how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
