i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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