dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
