Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
