Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
