The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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