The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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