be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
