I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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