He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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