By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Randomize
