An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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