I just made out with a guy for $7.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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