I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
