Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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