Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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