Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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