Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
