I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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