thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
