Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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