wrigley field is MILF paradise
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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