I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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