I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
