Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
