Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
