Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
