i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
