never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I didn't notice because vodka
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
