Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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