I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
How naked do you want me to be?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize