When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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