did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
