i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
