I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
