I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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