Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
