There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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