Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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