Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
