Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
