dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
