fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
don't judge my taste in strippers
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
