he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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