the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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