One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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