How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
3pm strippers are depressing
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
