Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
