Heybabeimwearingurpanties
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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