Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
