Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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