Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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