Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I did not marry a roomba.
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