i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
